Angry Wizard Polka
by TrueBlueSpark
Summary: How would "Order of the Phoenix" look if it were performed by the characters as a polka? Let's find out. A song parody of "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Angry White Boy Polka", featuring KickAss!Ginny, Credulous!Luna, and LoungeSinger!Sirius. [complete]


**Angry Wizard Polka  
a parody of "Angry White Boy Polka", by "Weird Al" Yankovic  
written by Shay Caron  
based on the Harry Potter series, which belongs to J.K. Rowling**

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[_Scene: a stage suitable for the presentation of a play, with two sets of curtains -- the left Gryffindor-red, the right Slytherin-green -- both drawn shut. Mad-Eye Moody steps out to the center of the stage and faces the audience (i.e., you)._]

**MOODY:** I have been asked to inform the audience that tonight's presentation is a medley of scenes from the recently-released book, "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix", not necessarily in any intelligible order. If you have not yet read that book, what are you doing reading this, you idiot? You've got to be careful of spoilers! CONSTANT VIGILANCE, I tell you! [_pause_] Thank you.

[_Moody walks off-stage. The lights dim._]

[_We begin on the left side, where the curtains open on our hero, Harry Potter, sitting in an empty classroom with hellspawn -- er, I mean, Hogwarts teacher Dolores Umbridge. Harry writes "I will not tell lies" on a sheet of parchment and winces as the words cut themselves into the back of his hand._]

[_Last Resort/Papa Roach_]  
**HARRY:** Cut my flesh into ribbons  
This is my detention  
Suffer desanguination  
Don't give a --  
**UMBRIDGE:** HEM!  
**HARRY:** -- for her bloody fixation  
This is my detention  
But I'll never give up, never give in  
Tell the truth, I'm not lettin' her win  
I don't want fame, I never lied  
It was no accident that Ced died  
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine  
'Cause Voldemort's alive now

[_The red curtains close. On the right side of the stage, the green curtains open on the Gryffindor fifth-year male dorm, where Harry has just woken up from a nasty dream._]

[_Chop Suey!/System Of A Down_]  
**HARRY:** Wake up!  
**RON:** Wake up?  
**HARRY:** Suddenly I dreamt an evil snake up  
Started chewin' Mr. Weasley's leg up  
**RON:** Started chewin' Mr. Weasley's leg up?!  
**HARRY:** Now I really think that he's in danger  
**MCGONAGALL:** [_rushes in_] Here you go, create another fable  
**HARRY:** (Get Dumbledore!)  
**MCGONAGALL:** Suddenly you dreamt an evil snake up?  
**HARRY:** (Get Dumbledore!)  
**MCGONAGALL:** Started chewin' Mr. Weasley's leg up?  
**HARRY:** (Get Dumbledore!)  
**MCGONAGALL:** Now you really think that he's in danger?  
**HARRY:** (Get Dumbledore!)  
I don't think you trust  
In the prophetic dream I had  
Ron's dad just doesn't deserve to die, die, die  
D-d-die die die die die  
Hey!

[_Move to the left stage. Fred and George Weasley, prankster twins extraordinaire, fly on-stage on their broomsticks (a chain and iron peg still hang from George's broom). As they sing, they toss various Wheezes to the audience._]

[_Get Free/The Vines_]  
**FRED:** We're gonna get free  
We're gonna get free  
We're gonna get free  
**TWINS:** Ride out of the school  
**GEORGE:** Our sinister scheme  
Our sinister scheme  
Our sinister scheme  
**TWINS:** Play her for the fool  
(Prank here, prank here, prank here)  
**FRED:** Some puking candy for ya  
**TWINS:** (Prank here, prank here, prank here)  
**GEORGE:** Big swamp around the corner  
**TWINS:** (Prank here, prank here, prank here)  
**FRED:** Explosions and disaster  
**TWINS:** (Prank here, prank here, prank here)  
**GEORGE:** [_salutes_] Our parting gift, Headmaster

[_Fred and George soar away and we look to the right side. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny are sitting in Ron's room at Grimmauld Place. Harry is facing away from the others, but Ginny stands close to him._]

[_Hate To Say I Told You So/The Hives_]  
**GINNY:** Do what you want, but you can't turn away from us forever  
We can help you to cope with possession or whatever  
Hate to snap you out of this (or not)  
Got to snap you out of this [_she smacks Harry upside the head_]  
Get over it, get a clue  
'Cause I've suffered too

[_The lights dim and a spotlight lands on Harry, who faces the audience and sings._]

[_Fell in Love With a Girl/The White Stripes_]  
**HARRY:** Fell in love with a girl  
I thought she liked me too, I was so elated  
Cedric's still on her mind  
Yeah, sometimes these feelings make me irritated  
Cho's left me for that Corner dude  
Yeah, well, nothing good seems to come from dating  
I'm not looking for someone new  
But I've got a funny feeling someone's been waiting, now [_Ginny rolls her eyes_]

[_A sign appears that reads "Intermission". Both sets of curtains close. Sirius Black and Remus Lupin slowly walk on-stage, snapping their fingers to the beat._]

[_Last Nite/The Strokes_]  
**SIRIUS:** Last night  
He said  
"Oh, Padfoot, don't you feel so down  
'Cause you're stuck in here  
Oh, don't feel left out"  
So I  
**LUPIN:** (What'd you do?)  
**SIRIUS:** Well, I turned around  
**LUPIN:** (Right around)  
**SIRIUS:** "Oh, Moony, gonna be alright"  
**LUPIN:** (Gonna be alright)  
**SIRIUS:** It was a great big lie  
**LUPIN:** (Big old lie)  
**SIRIUS:** 'Cause I left that night  
Yeah

[_As Sirius and Lupin retreat, Luna and Neville step out from behind the green curtain. Luna looks vaguely at an issue of the Quibbler; Neville looks confused._]

[_Down with the Sickness/Disturbed_]  
**LUNA:** Ooh ah ah ah ah! [_She somehow manages to make this sound dreamy._]  
**NEVILLE:** "Ooh ah ah ah ah"?  
**LUNA:** Ever hear of the Crumple-Horned Snorkack  
Look out for nargle-infested berries  
You know Sirius Black was a singer  
All this stuff is really fascinating to me  
**NEVILLE:** I don't believe in Crumple-Horned Snorkacks  
I really don't think that mistletoe's full of nargles  
I might believe that Black is a singer  
All that stuff you read sounds kinda silly to me

[_The red curtain opens to show the Department of Mysteries, with all the Death Eaters clustered on one end and the Order of the Phoenix at the other end._]

[_Renegades of Funk/Rage Against The Machine_]  
**DEATH EATERS:** We're the secret evil guys, we're the secret evil guys  
**ORDER OF THE PHOENIX:** We're the secret hero guys, we're the secret hero guys

[_Both groups freeze as the green curtain opens. Hermione and Ron stand there, Hermione wearing several of her homemade hats, Ron in his Quidditch outfit, broom at his side._]

[_My Way/Limp Bizkit_]  
**HERMIONE:** This time got a dresser full of clothes  
This time before anyone knows  
S.P.E.W. is here to free elves  
Yeah, free elves  
Free elves from enslavement  
This time gonna make a thousand hats  
How you slave drivers feel about that?  
S.P.E.W. is here to free elves  
Yeah, free elves  
[_ding, ding_] From enslavement

[_Outside/Staind_]  
**RON:** But now I'm the Keeper  
I'm panicking  
I've been so awful  
Can't touch the Quaffle  
But if I could shape up  
We could still win  
I'll guard those rings yet  
I'll be a King yet

[_Return to the scene on the left._]

[_Bawitdaba/Kid Rock_]  
**DEATH EATERS:** _Expelliarmus_ _Crucio_ _Colloportus_  
_Stupefy_ _Protego_ _Avada Kedavra_  
**ORDER OF THE PHOENIX:** _Expelliarmus_ _Crucio_ _Colloportus_  
_Stupefy_ _Protego_ _Avada Kedavra_

[_Both curtains close and the members of Dumbledore's Army walk onto the stage._]

[_Youth of the Nation/P.O.D._]  
**DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY:** We are, we are  
Dumbledore's Army  
We are, we are  
Dumbledore's Army  
We are, we are  
Dumbledore's Army  
We're Dumbledore's bloody Army!  
Yeah!

[_A sign appears and displays the words "Big Finish" before bursting into fireworks. Everyone steps out from behind both curtains, Harry in the front holding his wand like a microphone._]

[_The Real Slim Shady/Eminem_]  
**HARRY:** I'm H Potter, yes, I'm the real Potter  
All you other H Potters are nothing but rotters  
So won't the real H Potter please stand up  
Please stand up, please stand up  
'Cause I'm H Potter, yes, I'm the real Potter  
All you other H Potters are nothing but rotters  
So won't the real H Potter please, please  
Please stand up  
H Potter, won't you please stand up?  
**DEATH EATERS:** (Stand up, Potter)  
**HERMIONE:** Stand up  
**ORDER OF THE PHOENIX:** (Stand up, Potter)  
**RON:** Stand up  
**DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY:** (Stand up, Potter)  
**ALL:** Potter, won't you please stand up?  
**HARRY:** Hey!

[_The lights cut out._]

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_Angry Wizard Polka  
  
7/4/2003 -- Completed_


End file.
